It appears the recent surge in gas prices have not only diminished people’s checking accounts, but their personalities as well. People are increasingly becoming more selfish with their money, and in particular, their cars.
My best friend of 10 years asked if he could use my car to go to Ohio. “Not unless you return it [...]

“Gross,” remarked IU freshman Ashley Schmidt as a poor person walked past her on Indiana Avenue last Tuesday, “I need a Xanax.”
Schmidt, a Manhattan native who had never seen a destitute person before coming to Bloomington for college, admitted that she is not quite used to the Midwestern lifestyle.  “Everyone is poor and stupid, and [...]

The Monroe County Blood Bucket Facility was robbed last night by a pale-skinned vampire just after midnight. The nocturnal thief stole every single container of Type A blood, leading authorities to believe the bloodsucker is in fact Type A himself. It’s been speculated that he is Type B intolerant.
It’s not known if he has any [...]

After a five month struggle, area resident and IU student Andrea Kowalski is dead to me.  Our relationship’s untimely demise is due to several complications arising from her being a total slut and a liar.  Toxicology reports are still out, but I’m pretty sure she had to be totally messed up when she hooked up [...]

As both a professional dealer in silverware and a rare steak knife enthusiast, I must say I was extremely disappointed in your last issue.  How could a publication which on the surface dedicates itself to the exciting, often dangerous world of cutlery feature so few articles concerning that very subject?  I subscribe to both Spoon [...]

MM: Every month in the calendar, there’s at least one day where a big group of people in the US are celebrating. Except August. Why are you putting me in your August issue? (Starts to run his hands through his hair, instead starts pulling it) Rrrrrgh, I hate August. I can’t get any painting done in August. F—ing —wad —nick! Do you have any gum? Dawn K. Shanks

Wal-Mart has long topped the list of faceless corporations, but how could something without a face see so deeply into my very being and extract the essence of what I require most? Ben Black

The biggest concern for the lifelong fire-starter will be learning to live in a world with no fire. He started his first fire by burning down his aunt’s garage when he was five. An electrical short was blamed for the fire. No one suspected little Timmy because he was considered a sweet kid incapable of such acts. Tyler Perry

At a Wednesday morning press conference, McCain finally revealed to the world his frustrations.
“The main reason that I’m considering dropping out of the race is because I’m sick and tired of waiting for Senator Clinton and Senator Obama to decide who is going to run against me,” McCain said to an array of shocked reporters and some guy named Jim who said he worked in the meat packing industry.
“If I have to wait on those two much longer, I’m going to quit,” McCain said bluntly. Tyler James Perry

Belarus is a small, skin cell-shaped former Soviet regime located near Lithuania, or perhaps Georgia. Anyone interested in the politics of yore is well advised to attend a meeting of any of the local townships’ Citizens’ Boards, which often erupt in amusing displays of indignation and potential revolution. Ben Black